yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
