I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
