you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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