I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
