Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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