cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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