My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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