I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
