Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
