Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
