i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
