i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
