Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
