I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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