So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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