I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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