How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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