Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
