You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
