i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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