Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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