I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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