The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
