We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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