some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
