Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
