Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
