at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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