Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
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