yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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