he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you had me at cake vodka
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
