best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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