She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
