I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
