im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
