fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
