theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
