Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
