either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
