I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
