I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
