bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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