Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
