I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
