Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
