yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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