chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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