i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
