Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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