its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
