Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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