I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
