I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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