i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We had sex on a dog bed..
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
