he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
