I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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