got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
