I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I did not marry a roomba.
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