I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
